There’s a muse in those little stick figures…
I’ve read all of XKCD in the past…three days? Ok maybe four. But I had to work.
FUCK, I WANNA BE SMART, TOO.
I dunno how to be smart.
So I guess next weekend I’m just gonna go the bookstore and get some “For Dummies” books and try to be fucking brilliant. And hopefully that works.
Just means I have to deal with feeling like an idiot for the next 5 days.
But FUCK I just wanna be able to understand things and go LOOK WHAT I KNOW with myself.
I need to learn things. It’s bugging me that I’m not learning anything. It KILLS me that I’m not learning anything.
I sit and I read funny things like XKCD on the internet, or even stupider shit, and then I watch Adult Swim and whatnot and I go to bed and go to work and I’m a fucking idiot. A dolt. Realistically.
It’s been bugging me for a long time now.
I haven’t legitimately haven’t learned anything in FAR too long.
I need to…I need to figure some things out and I need to BE A CRAZY PERSON.
It comes out. Right now.
And if I can…get involved in something…that’ll be good.
Human
The linoleum is cold and damp-feeling. Linoleum is weird fake plastic. I’m not sure what it’s all composed of. But it’s plastic-like and it’s cold. And they print little grooves in it, to look like grout, but we all know it’s not grout. Nobody is going to look at your linoleum-ed kitchen, and think “wow, that’s a nice grout job”.
It’s a cold floor.
It’s one-twenty-seven in the morning, and you can’t sleep. And you’re in the kitchen, standing in front of the fridge. Your feet are cold against the floor, you don’t have any socks on, what were you thinking, going to bed without socks.
Open the fridge – hello light. Three shelves, two drawers, and the door. All full of stuff.
Nothing to eat.
Why is there never anything to eat in the fridge, yet it’s constantly full. What kind of sick and twisted life is this.
You bend over, trying to look to the back of the fridge, move stuff around, look at the back of the bottom shelf, behind some old left-overs that ought to be thrown out.
But you’ll do that later. Always later.
Maybe that’s why the fridge is always full.
And there’s never anything to eat.
So you sit. On the floor.
The linoleum. And yes, it’s still cold. At least you put pants on.
The light is pale and bright, all at once. It comes out at you, like a spotlight. But for no apparent reason.
Because it’s one-thirty in the morning. And you’re sitting on the floor, and the light is keeping you company. But it’s still empty, and has nothing to offer you, except for its light, and it’s cool breeze.
Even though you’re already cold.
So you lay down. On the floor. And you glance over at the fake-imprinted grout. It doesn’t even look nice.
The cool air blows over you, the light shines on you, and you’re on the floor in your kitchen at one-thirty in the morning.
And nothing’s wrong with that.
Except you’re still hungry.
I dunno why I thought that was a brilliant idea, but I did. To just be there, alive, awake, early in the morning, while there’s absolutely *nothing else* going on. No noise, no lights, no sounds, no people, no nothing. Just alone. Hungry.
Human.
Fucking Classy
I went to Wal-Mart.
And bought their cheap shit.
And made them put it in my reusable grocery bags.
And was proud of not wasting plastic.
Until I was done checking out, and walking out of the store, only to realize I was walking out of a fucking Wal-Mart.
What kind of person goes to a Wal-Mart? You’re either broke, not-native, or a hick. Now, I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a hick, but not a thoroughbred. I say “y’all” and I have an accent at times. But I’m not any of those things.
And I’m going to a fucking Wal-Mart.
In a car for 40 minutes, to go to a Wal-Mart.
Gasoline, feeding the corporate greed. And making everyone brokeeee. Because it costs so much to drive. So we drove 40 minutes. To get to a Wal-Mart. To spend 130$ on who knows what. For who knows why. On junk foods and towels and clothes and music and milk. So Wal-Mart could afford to open another super-center somewhere.
Corporate monsters fueling more corporate monsters. That’s just how it works.
If only I wasn’t such a pansy and would rework my whole life. But that wouldn’t be right.
“No Impact Man” as fucked me over, dammit.
BUT FUCKING A. REUSABLE BAGS IN A WALMART?
Classy. I’m so fucking classy.
Blind
I hate boys.
This new one’s a doozy. Also, far too touchy-feely. When the guy’s like that, it makes me uncomfortable, and I can’t physically touch him. It’s weird. Someone has to be the masculine one, and I’m adaptive. But since there’s a guy involved, he should be the masculine one. So it shouldn’t be me.
And then WHAT THE FUCK, I still can’t stop obsessing over people from YEARS ago.
I wish I could just stop, but that won’t happen.
Anyway, his reason for leaving OBVIOUSLY wasn’t a good one. See where I’ve ended up? I would at least be mostly happy with him. I think. I’m not psychic. But I at least would have been.
And that’s more important.
Fuck.
Boys are stupid.
3 Libras
I’m going to openly admit it now. I should have a long time ago. Even though I did, but only to myself. And another.
I have daddy issues. Other than I really don’t. They’re not issues. It suits me just fine.
I prefer someone older than me. Someone who can…be the adult. So to speak.
It doesn’t bother me a bit. It shouldn’t bother anyone. It is what it is, and that’s that. But it also makes things very difficult. People my age aren’t…aren’t right. Least not for me. Someone older is much more suited to my liking. I prefer them that way.
This isn’t new, you know. This goes back to when I was, what, 15? And that was only on the internet. In real life, oh heavens no, only recently. But gawd, everyone’s been older than me. And when they were my age it just…wasn’t. Wasn’t right.
Except once. And that once doesn’t count.
And now, the guy’s 28. He doesn’t seen 28. At all. I’m not sure how old he seems, but not that old. I’m not sure if he’s going to work well with me or not. He’s very caring. And I’m still stand-off-ish with him. I don’t know why yet. But it just is like that.
And I even refused to sleep with him Friday night. He wanted to. I wasn’t into it. He was trying to start to get to that. I was freezing and tired. I finally just said “no, I’m going to sleep” and that was it.
I have no idea what’s going on here. But it’s not what I want.
Nothing is what I want. Damn it.
Your Negativity
We fucked.
I dunno what to call it. But “fucking” doesn’t sound right. It wasn’t passionate “ZOMGILURVEYOUUU” sex. It was sex. We didn’t exactly make love, either. But it was the most passionate non-loving sex I’ve had.
Doesn’t say much, seeing as all the sex I’ve had that wasn’t loving sex was more booty-call like and had very little emotion in it, other than wanting to get laid.
So I dunno what to call it.
But he had his penis inside of me.
We’ll just go with that for now.
I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m not quite sure how to go about it. I’m not sure what’s important anymore. I do know that most of it isn’t. Which is why I quit in the first place.
Though getting thoughts out in some readable form is important, after all.
Sex. Speaking of sex.
I own three vibrators. One vibrating “rabbit”. That makes four.
And an anal plug. I haven’t tried that out much, yet. It’s a Doc Johnson. It’s a “medium” size, it said. It’s got a “waist” thing, right before the “plug” part…so that way it doesn’t stretch you out, but it makes you feel all full inside, which is the point of the plug to begin with.
I’ve been hoping to try it since Saturday night. And seeing that it’s now Monday night, and still no chances…I am sad. My mom’s boyfriend has been here, and I want to start in the shower or the bath. Just relaxing there. I’ve already had it mostly in my ass, but nothing like how I want to.
I’ve read that some people have plugs that they use all the time.
There are even plugs that have holes in the middle. So there’s no…problems. I mean you’d still have to take it out for regular functioning, but there wouldn’t be any, well, problems. No uncomfortableness, while it’s in for so long.
This is all new and exciting to me. I’m looking to get something “adult” related for myself for Christmas.
Since nobody actually gets me good gifts, I have to get the myself. Last year was a new iPod and a Nintendo DS.
This year, a new Xbox, and a toy.
Because I want both. I will have both.
Everyone else can have stuff as well. I like getting people what they want. Or what I think they should want. If I have no idea what they would want, anyway.
However, I don’t give in to spoilage. Meaning no I won’t babysit for my aunt, and I won’t buy an 8-year-old a fake kitchen set to do fake dishes in. She’s 8. She can practice with real dishes. Eh? Probably. I did. I turned out fine.
Other than my fetishes and my sex toys and my anal desires and being kinda whore-ish.
I turned out great.
What the…?
So I am a complete idiot.
OH WAIT, WE ALREADY KNEW THIS.
I slept with a guy. After going out to dinner. And beating him HORRIBLY at guitar hero. Ya, I slept with him. And then we watched “Get him to the Greek” which was a FUCKING HORRIBLE MOVIE, by the way. What the hell were these people thinking? I mean it was just a punch of puke jokes. And drugs. What the fuck. Not even funny drug stories. Cept for when the guy pukes. I mean really.
ANYWAY.
So then he says I can stay the night. And so we go to bed.
Now, NORMAL PEOPLE. Don’t you think if the date was good, THAT is when you fuck them? And THAT is when you let them stay the night? Like, if you really enjoyed it, those are good options, eh? EH?!?!?!?!?
Well, I guess not. Obviously.
Because so I come home this morning and text him and say I had a really good time. He says “yeah it was fun” and i say “ok be honest” because that’s not what I said, and that didn’t sound quite right. So then he says “very awkward” and I ask why and he says “long odd stares and one word answers.”
WELL FUCK DUDE.
I’m sorry. I had NO FUCKING CLUE you weren’t supposed to look at the person you were going out with? Like what, just look in the other direction, not at them? They invented this thing called eye contact, eh? It’s A GOOD THING. But whatever.
And one word answers? We ALL FUCKING KNOW I’m shy. BUT EVEN THEN, I was still talking. I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about this.
But I guess whatever, right?
Anyway, I ask him if he’d wanna go out again, but if not that’d be ok. I mean come on, he already got laid, and it was “awkward”, right?
So he says “yeah, probably not. but it was nice to meet you 
“
WHAT THE FUCKING BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY.
So whatever.
WHATEVER.
Teaches me, eh? Because obviously, sex and staying the night mean NOTHING to people.
Obviously.
But whatever, right? Whatever.
HE WASN’T EVEN ANY GOOD IN BED.
Sorry, just had to get that out there.
Like Wham
Three months? I ain’t been on here for three months?
I can believe it.
I really can. Like super-duper can.
It ain’t that hard to be missing from the interwebs for three months. It’s called not being on the computer much, and having work and having other things to do and Facebook is too much work. Let alone one of these things that aren’t even important.
I shore have missed it though. In a weird sorta way.
Kinda.
So, I’m listening to Tech N9ne. It’s crazy.
It’s good, actually.
I BOUGHT a CD. FULL PRICE. At Fred Meyer. I’ve actually BOUGHT CDs recently. It’s crazy. Downloading them is just too easy. Also, easier to just find stuff at a store than it is online. Also, I like being able to put a CD into a stereo thing and listen to it on good speakers, other than crappy laptop ones, or headphones from the iPod. So, yeah, it’s nice.
Also, need a DVD burner. Because I’ve got lotsa movies on this thing, and need a hard copy of them. Dur.
But I dunno how to do that. Heh.
Also got a Daft Punk CD. Because I likes Daft Punk.
I downloaded the two Dethklok CDs a few days ago. I like Dethklok. It’s epic. It’s so fucking epic.
Also, hXc.
I can’t believe I also said hXc. Dude what the fuck.
I want a tattoo. But I want something more than just the BatSymbol like I wanted to get originally. Cuz that’s just too simple. I guess.
I want a cartilage piercing, too. We’re not allowed to have them at work, though. But then again, the guys aren’t supposed to have pierced ears. And 2 of the 9 guys that work there have them. One of the guys got theirs done recently. Like, less than 2 weeks ago. So I dunno, guess they’re not too concerned (managers, anyway, ’bout the dress code).
But we both know I ain’t gonna get that done anytime soon.
Least not till I get to Claire’s again. They do that there, they totally do. It’ll hurt more than the actual ear part though that I’ve already got. Mainly because it’s more…I dunno, meaty I guess, than just earstuffskin.
I think anyway.
Also, still listening to Tech N9ne. Blame J. It’s all his fault.
That, and the Dethklok too.
Oh well.
Whatever.
I have ice cream in the freezer, so I’m out. Toodles!
I don’t like the drugs (but the drugs like me)
Dude.
That’s all I have to say. I mean really. There isn’t anything else to say.
Just, dude.
DUDE.
I love it. And he loves me. And cartoons and mad-crazy-sex and OH MY GOD DUUUUUDE.
Life is slow and boring and amazing and I’m happy and sad all at the same time.
I want a kid.
Like a one and a half years old. Out of diapers, and sorta talking, yet still young enough to be mold-able and believe anythingggg.
And I wanna make a movie. Dur. Maybe a porno. Maybe not. Maybe something trashy.
Trashy is good.
Lingerie is expensive. 60$ and I only got 2 things.
But I saved like 30 bucks at FYE today, and I managed to only spend like 55$ and got a zillion things. Ok like 9 things but still. Cheap as shit.
Sorry.
Barracuda
God it’s been far too long since I been on here.
R doesn’t have issues. Cept for time-management. Because that’s an issue. Trying to manage two schedules? Yeahhhh.
Oh, did I not mention? He’s my dude now. Like in the good way. As in yeahhhh.
I have no idea what we’re doing. Neither does he. But we’re doin’ it and that’s that. It’s nice. Very nice. He’s…way better than you would think. I mean, let me take that back. He’s better than I imagined him to be. But better than you would think if you didn’t know him like that.
So there’s that.
Also, I haven’t posted since my obsession with Fantasy started.
You don’t live in Oregon or Michigan (I think it’s Michigan, some M state). So you don’t know what Fantasy is.
Fantasy. Fantasy for Adults Only.
YES A DIRTY STORE.
I bought me a, er, friend. Of the battery-operated variety. Yeah, you know what I mean.
That be it. Isn’t it pretty?!?!?
It shore is!
Anyway, that’s fun. Just in case you were wondering.
I also got porn.
YES I BOUGHT PORN.
ZOMGASP.
Anyway, I got a Dita Von Teese movie, and it was a fetish film. A foot fetish film. I don’t like feet. Shoes, yes. Feet, no. But there was lots of shoes involved, so it was worth it.
And then I went back and got another Dita film, AND the Alice in Wonderland one, which every one should see.
I also went to Castle last week (last Friday actually) and got a movie and it was supposed to be this dom. film.
But I get it home and try to watch it and it’s these three guys in a van driving around Los Angeles trying to pick up chicks. I mean it’s a real porn film, but NOT what I bought. The movie was all packaged as if it were a regular DVD, and the label on the disc was right and everything.
But the content was WRONG.
It was epic and horrible all at once.
So I took it back and exchanged.
Also, a really good magazine? Bizzare.
It’s from like the UK or somethin’ like that. But it’s freakin sweet. I have the one they did the Alice in Wonderland special thing. For the Tim Burton movie, ya?
Anyway, that’s over now though because porn is expensive. And I’d rather have other things. I am a girl, I can see naked girls whenever I want.
Plus, I’ve bought everything the two stores woulda had that I would want. Movie-wise that is.
I’m gonna have to go back to Fantasy and get some, uh, clothing.
Not Castle. One, they didn’t look like they had much. Well, maybe, didn’t pay much attention. But that, I just don’t like the store. Fantasy is better. Sorry.
Anyway.
Also, being really tight can stop sex. I am witness to that. It’s kinda depressing. For sooooo long I was against having a toy of any kind – I didn’t want to stretch myself out, you know? And now, I have a toy and I use it FIERCELY. However, still tight as fuck. I mean, without fuck.
Because we couldn’t fuck. Because I was too tight and neither of us had lubrication. Because that wasn’t on the to-bring list.
It will be next time though! Because, uh, that’s just sucktastic.
OHOHOH and I got flavored lube, for doing things with other people…haven’t tried it on someone yet, but I did taste it (tangy strawberry, bitches) and it’s AWESOME.
Like, tangy strawberry tasting. Ya, I said it. I tasted the lube, to see if it would taste right.
I’m sure it’d make cum taste wayyyyy better.
ANYWAY, enough about sex.
Work still sucks. A bit. I want a different job, but that’s not gonna happen.
Got a hawt date with R tomorrow.
And probably again Thursday.
I’m excited.
But I finally got Toy Story and Toy Story 2 on DVD.
Oh and I got Reefer Madness, too. Haven’t watched it yet, but I have it.
And the Jackass tv show. All of it. On DVD. I’m so happy. And other random…oh yes, The Nightmare Before Christmas.
How could I forget?!
I have no idea.
I’m gonna go now. I’m tired. I need to go get something to drink, and then go to bed. Busy day tomorrow. Very busy. But in a good way. Least till noon. After that it’s gonna be like I CAN GO HOME NAOWWWW??!?!?!!?
I start work at 12:15. Lawl.
I guess that’s all. Gonna go. And sleep. So morning can come. Yay.
